I’m a comedian living in Los Angeles, CA. I like to make people laugh and write things. I can make you laugh or write things for you. Go ahead and try me.Tumblr (3.0; @patrickmelton)http://pmelt.com/<p>Just sit in a restaurant by your gate for hours, and when you pay, and the waitress says “have a great flight”, just stare at her with lifeless eyes and say, “flight? i don’t have a flight.” and then start laughing crazily, and walk off.</p>http://pmelt.com/post/434844503http://pmelt.com/post/434844503Mon, 08 Mar 2010 11:15:44 -0500<img src="http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_kyu8q6DVpO1qzoep1o1_500.jpg"/><br/><br/><p>“I smell popcorn. Where is it?”</p> <p>This guy has shouted this in my face twice in two minutes.</p>http://pmelt.com/post/429307493http://pmelt.com/post/429307493Fri, 05 Mar 2010 21:10:24 -0500<img src="http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_kys9evWHmh1qzoep1o1_500.jpg"/><br/><br/><p>Sometimes I get weird notes after the show. This girl made a play on her name - “Taryn it up!”</p> <p>I won’t be calling.</p>http://pmelt.com/post/427146514http://pmelt.com/post/427146514Thu, 04 Mar 2010 19:30:22 -0500<object width="400" height="336"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/mUCRZzhbHH0&rel=0&egm=0&showinfo=0&fs=1"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/mUCRZzhbHH0&rel=0&egm=0&showinfo=0&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="400" height="336" allowFullScreen="true" wmode="transparent"></embed></object><br/><br/><p>Dogs at 1000fps = family fun.</p>http://pmelt.com/post/424909966http://pmelt.com/post/424909966Wed, 03 Mar 2010 17:56:16 -0500<object width="400" height="336"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/Cx010R57-BY&rel=0&egm=0&showinfo=0&fs=1"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Cx010R57-BY&rel=0&egm=0&showinfo=0&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="400" height="336" allowFullScreen="true" wmode="transparent"></embed></object><br/><br/><p>If you don’t know who Eddie Izzard is, find out.</p>http://pmelt.com/post/419568108http://pmelt.com/post/419568108Mon, 01 Mar 2010 04:06:44 -0500“I like it when girls use their mouth first, or as I call it, their louder vagina.”<br/><br/> - <em>Theo Von</em>http://pmelt.com/post/418797063http://pmelt.com/post/418797063Sun, 28 Feb 2010 20:35:58 -0500“No, but you should have in the store.”<br/><br/> - <em>Me on stage to a woman who asked if I was putting her gaudy necklace down.</em>http://pmelt.com/post/414706822http://pmelt.com/post/414706822Fri, 26 Feb 2010 23:53:56 -0500<img src="http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_kydechVy9w1qzoep1o1_500.jpg"/><br/><br/><p>Ohio has many snows.</p>http://pmelt.com/post/409920703http://pmelt.com/post/409920703Wed, 24 Feb 2010 18:52:37 -0500<img src="http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_kyca0hDYPh1qzoep1o1_250.png"/><br/><br/><p>I’ve been online for over an hour on this flight, and still have 6:14 minutes of battery left. I don’t know what kind of laptop you have, but mine is better.</p>http://pmelt.com/post/408794990http://pmelt.com/post/408794990Wed, 24 Feb 2010 04:21:53 -0500<object width="400" height="336"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/tJJ6o4eYynU&rel=0&egm=0&showinfo=0&fs=1"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/tJJ6o4eYynU&rel=0&egm=0&showinfo=0&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="400" height="336" allowFullScreen="true" wmode="transparent"></embed></object><br/><br/><p>(via <a href="http://steveagee.tumblr.com/">steveagee</a>)</p> <p>Stay classy, Jay.</p>http://pmelt.com/post/405407694http://pmelt.com/post/405407694Mon, 22 Feb 2010 15:24:17 -0500<img src="http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ky2g9qo8NT1qzoep1o1_500.jpg"/><br/><br/><p>This guy makes me feel just a little thinner today.</p>http://pmelt.com/post/397622132http://pmelt.com/post/397622132Thu, 18 Feb 2010 21:01:02 -0500<img src="http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ky0sm5e8mO1qzoep1o1_500.jpg"/><br/><br/><p>Alrighty then.</p>http://pmelt.com/post/395997683http://pmelt.com/post/395997683Wed, 17 Feb 2010 23:32:13 -0500<img src="http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_kxyac0Qkst1qzoep1o1_500.jpg"/><br/><br/><p>For some reason, I have a large chunk of fingernail missing in the middle.</p>http://pmelt.com/post/393224217http://pmelt.com/post/393224217Tue, 16 Feb 2010 15:02:00 -0500<img src="http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_kxrrajsDk31qzoep1o1_500.jpg"/><br/><br/><p>Someone wiped a booger above my elevator in my building.</p>http://pmelt.com/post/386880637http://pmelt.com/post/386880637Sat, 13 Feb 2010 02:25:17 -0500<img src="http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_kxqu25kw3L1qzoep1o1_500.jpg"/><br/><br/><p>Could these savages please stop standing so close to my car? Thanks.</p>http://pmelt.com/post/385882362http://pmelt.com/post/385882362Fri, 12 Feb 2010 14:27:27 -0500<a href="http://kenlevine.blogspot.com/2010/02/guys-are-not-going-to-want-to-fk-her.html">Guys are not going to want to fuck her.</a>http://pmelt.com/post/384322588http://pmelt.com/post/384322588Thu, 11 Feb 2010 16:35:39 -0500“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been rude to you on your birthday. I know it’s one of your last ones.”<br/><br/> - <em>Me to an old lady interrupting during my show last night</em>http://pmelt.com/post/381805504http://pmelt.com/post/381805504Wed, 10 Feb 2010 08:46:58 -0500<a href="http://mediadecoder.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/02/07/how-the-letterman-oprah-leno-super-bowl-ad-came-together/">How the Leno/Letterman/Oprah Superbowl Ad Came Together</a>http://pmelt.com/post/381591355http://pmelt.com/post/381591355Wed, 10 Feb 2010 05:07:41 -0500“We never did it up in the ass, so I know.”<br/><br/> - <em>Precious’ mom, when Precious asked her how she knows she doesn’t have the AIDS virus.</em>http://pmelt.com/post/378758300http://pmelt.com/post/378758300Mon, 08 Feb 2010 17:36:56 -0500<img src="http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_kxjc8wU0bv1qzoep1o1_500.jpg"/><br/><br/><p>Sometimes these things just write themselves.</p>http://pmelt.com/post/378403282http://pmelt.com/post/378403282Mon, 08 Feb 2010 13:19:44 -0500