This guy makes me feel just a little thinner today.

This guy makes me feel just a little thinner today.

Alrighty then.

Alrighty then.

For some reason, I have a large chunk of fingernail missing in the middle.

For some reason, I have a large chunk of fingernail missing in the middle.

Someone wiped a booger above my elevator in my building.

Someone wiped a booger above my elevator in my building.

Could these savages please stop standing so close to my car? Thanks.

Could these savages please stop standing so close to my car? Thanks.

"I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been rude to you on your birthday. I know it’s one of your last ones."
— Me to an old lady interrupting during my show last night
"We never did it up in the ass, so I know."
— Precious’ mom, when Precious asked her how she knows she doesn’t have the AIDS virus.
Sometimes these things just write themselves.

Sometimes these things just write themselves.

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©2009 Patrick Melton. Word to your mother.