How to make shit awkward in the airport

Just sit in a restaurant by your gate for hours, and when you pay, and the waitress says “have a great flight”, just stare at her with lifeless eyes and say, “flight? i don’t have a flight.” and then start laughing crazily, and walk off.

“I smell popcorn. Where is it?”

This guy has shouted this in my face twice in two minutes.

“I smell popcorn. Where is it?”

This guy has shouted this in my face twice in two minutes.

Sometimes I get weird notes after the show. This girl made a play on her name - “Taryn it up!”

I won’t be calling.

Sometimes I get weird notes after the show. This girl made a play on her name - “Taryn it up!”

I won’t be calling.

Dogs at 1000fps = family fun.

If you don’t know who Eddie Izzard is, find out.

"I like it when girls use their mouth first, or as I call it, their louder vagina."
— Theo Von
"No, but you should have in the store."
— Me on stage to a woman who asked if I was putting her gaudy necklace down.
Ohio has many snows.

Ohio has many snows.

I’ve been online for over an hour on this flight, and still have 6:14 minutes of battery left. I don’t know what kind of laptop you have, but mine is better.

I’ve been online for over an hour on this flight, and still have 6:14 minutes of battery left. I don’t know what kind of laptop you have, but mine is better.

(via steveagee)

Stay classy, Jay.

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©2009 Patrick Melton. Word to your mother.